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Now it starts.

I went in for the PET/CT scan this morning. It’s painless but it does take a long time being quiet. The important point about the test is they want to see if there is cancer elsewhere in the body. Odds would tend to be high that they’ll find something. Then again, they warn that sometimes they never find where it came from.

Tuesdays procedure is not going to be so pleasant. It’s outpatient surgery, so I’ll be under anesthesia for at least 30 minute while the Doc pokes around in my throat. He may cut something out if he doesn’t like it. I’ve been warned that Tonsils, good or bad are likely to go missing.

We all know the God’s love to help us sort out coincidences. On the way home from the CET scan I stopped at the Doc’s place to prepay some of the surgeon and surgery center costs that they estimate the insurance won’t cover. They estimate mostly correctly (but it’s all get sorted out, right?). I happened to have the $1150 in cash so I used a debit card. I could have used a credit card, gotten sicker, failed to pay off the CC and accrued penalties and interest. That is why you need 3 to 6 months of expenses in your checking account.

The Gods’ other blow: I got a recap of benefits paid statement from the insurance company. Oh, yes I’ll be out of pocket max tomorrow. You would be very wrong to believe that.

Posted in Cancer.

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By Cecil – April 8, 2013

The Biospy Procedure

Mine was a “Soft Tissue needle biopsy”. The nurse and then the Doc both explained it and then it happened just like they said. I had to go 8 hours without food or drink. No morning coffee for a 8:00AM. That’s annoying. The ultrasound table is uncomfortable and the pillow provide no support for my head. I had to lay on my side and that turns to be me starting at the blank wall in the room instead of the rest of the room where there is a clock. That joy was not for me.

First I had to put on one of their shirts (stains don’t come out). Then the nurse gets out all the bits the radiologist will be using (5 needles). She took some odd steps (to me) to insure it was kept sterile. Then she did the ultrasound and we waited for the Doc to show up (8:10). He explains what he’s going to do. Onto my side, they clean my neck, drape some sticky plastic and a sterile cloth on me and the doc describes what he’s doing. First is a shot to deaden the local area – like Novocain at the dentist the nurse claimed. No, it wasn’t that painful. After that you don’t really feel much of anything you feel the pressure as the doc pokes around with needles, but pain. The doc described it as “scraping some cells” and from the tiny pressures changes I feel from his hands that is what happened. He did that five times. Then they send the five samples (needles) to Pathology and you wait for them pronounce the samples of acceptable quality.
If they aren’t the radiologist has to repeat, so you lay on the uncomfy table with the uncomfy pillow looking at the the blank wall. In my case, the samples were judged sufficient in 10 or 15 minutes. The nurse cleans everything up and I put my shirt on and leave at 8:55AM.

I won’t know the results for several days. I’m sure further annoyances will start then.

Posted in Cancer.

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By Cecil – April 1, 2013

Imagination & Coping

So far I’m taking a wait and see approach. I haven’t looked into what WEBMD says or any of the thousands or millions of websites. Why? I know I have an active imagination and it can lead me astray with too much info and not enough facts.

It’s too easy to imagine facts where they don’t apply. A few days ago I noticed my stool wasn’t normal. Is it the Big C or my diet or diagnosis stress or BPA in my soup cans or mercury in a childhood vaccine? A day ago I thought I might have some discomfort in the right side sinuses and a low level head ache – tumor alert!!! Panic! Panic! A few hours later some local TV folks were complaining on TV news about their allergies kicking in with the nice spring weather. We hell, that explains my sinus discomfort too (and better as its muvh more likely).

If you dive in the deep end of the information pool, you can drown. If you dive in the shallow end you can drown after hitting you head on the bottom. I like to walk around the pool and assess what I know and what I can’t know and what’s not worth knowing.

For instance, will tomorrow’s needle biopsy hurt? Will I whimper in pain like a disciplined puppy? It doesn’t matter — I’m still going to get it done.

I’m already unhappy with 7:30 AM registration and I’ll still be unhappy about the early hours after it’s finished. I will whine about that, for sure. I just did. Nothing I read on the web will change or help with tomorrow. Don’t dive in the information pool.

Tangentially, but related I read an interesting take down of the Infomercial heavy Cancer Treatment Centers’s success rates. They only accept those they think they can help.

“It’s a Holistic Medicine Pocketbook, Batman!”
“Indeed Robin, it is the evil face of selection bias. To the Batmobile!
BAM! POW! YAWN!

Posted in Cancer.

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By Cecil – March 31, 2013

Coping

Family and friends want to know how I’m coping with the diagnosis. It’s a hard question because I can’t answer it in a way that everyone will feel good about. Better to not worry too much about my sensitive readers.

Facebook followers might have caught a clue with two videos I linked to. Jackson Brown’s “Pretender” and The Talking Heads “Road to Nowhere”. Every day you get up and do it again. It’s hard to say when I became a David Byrne fan (Talking Heads) but I love his/their music and the lyrics. David’s choice of images makes me cry. There are pictures of normal things I didn’t do in my life and now I may never do them.

Then we get up and do it again. The balance between self imposed comforting tedium and riding a rocket ship to doom or glory are options that I can’t ignore. If you care to think it out, it’s a choice we all will deal with and there is no best answer.

Me, I scored some tasty Asparagus at $1.69/lb and I’m going to eat it. And get up and do it again.

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By Cecil – March 28, 2013

Skip Reed

Something I didn’t know. It still doesn’t explain what I don’t know.

Back when I was in 9th grade and in the Boise High Marching Band I met Skip and we were geek pals until he committed suicide. I don’t know why and I’ll never know! I can imagine but I can’t know. The daily paper did an retrospective article on his mom – yet another thing I didn’t know about his life.

Way back in 67, the Boise High Marching band did a half time performance in San Francisco (Giants? 49′s?) I was just a sophomore and I wasn’t that good a sax player but band was kind of “better than home ec” as an elective. We had to do the candy bar door to door sales to raise money. I wasn’t good at that either.

I met Skip when we shared a room at some SF downtown hotel where the band was staying. Skip was more adventurous than I and he wandered deep in the SF streets one night and found a “happening” (aka 1967 block party with out a block) and the band invited him on stage, taught enough guitar chords to play “Gloria”. That’s what he told me (over and over again). He was really excited. He may have snuck out after curfew to rejoin the happening. He was jazzed up.

We shared a few classes, hung out a bit. He didn’t have many friends and I didn’t have many more than him. One day I gave him a ride home after school. Not the address in the newspaper article. Deep in Borah High boundaries. Orchard/Kootenai area. I don’t remember his explanation. It was not high rent area.

I don’t remember the details of how I learned about his death. I know his funeral date and arrange was broadcast on the PA. I don’t remember if I attended it. I don’t remember who told me it was suicide with a gun or why I believed them.

I remember the feeling of loss and confusion that lasted for days. Now I know a little more than I did then.

Posted in Stories.

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By Cecil – March 27, 2013

We’re on a journey

HEADS UP: Unhappy news follows

The doc says I have cancer. We don’t know which kind or where it really started without further tests (starting Monday Apr/1/2013). As we used to say back in the 70′s, “It is what it is”. Facts in the rear view mirror are the same size as the facts in front of you.

I know everyone wants to know the details and a few of you might want to play MD and offer advice and some just like to follow the drama. That’s all OK. Your are what you are and I yam what I yam and this blog is mine. I’d rather write about what I learned about Skip Reed today but first but I ‘ll give you the details that some of you want. Obvious Note: If i don’t want to tell you something, I won’t. I won’t post these status reports on Facebook for example unless there is some obvious irony in the medical system that needs wider exposure.

—— Start the story ——

A few weeks ago I noticed a lump on the right hand side of my neck. I think it might have been 3/13/13 (too many 13′s for the numerologists). Also the same day my first Social Security deposit arrived. Go figure. I don’t have a “primary care” physician so I went to the nearest Doc-in-box that my insurance will pay for (more on my insurance at another time) on 3/19/13. A lovely (really) Nurse Practitioner did the history and exam and ordered an ultrasound of the lump at St Lukes (my insurance companies only choice for testing) and it turns out I got that test 45 minutes later. However, the Doc didn’t have a new patient opening until Thursday, 3/21/13.

Dr Michaud does a more detailed history and exam. Nice Guy. I like him. His folks do a chest X-Ray. No cancer there. Ultrasound rules out a cyst. He wants to sent me to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. That’s exactly what I expected, a referral to a specialist. He orders up a CT scan because he thinks it would help the ENT doc. That scan happened the next day, Friday, 3/22/13. I get an appointment for an ENT Doc on Monday, except that the first doc was on vacation that week, so I get his backup. I have a weekend to ponder and I do ponder.

Yesterday, Monday 3/25/13 I meet with the Doc’s nurse and the ENT Doc. They are quite pair. The nurse is a big dude with longish red hair in a pony tail. His first name is “Star”. No, I’m not making that up. I like the guy, he’s good. A bit odd but very good. His job is to tell me what the Doc is going to tell me — I have cancer and then explain the tall tree of tests, options and treatments ahead so the Doc doesn’t have to. Star does an excellent job at this unpleasant task.

The Doc arrives. You don’t shake hands with a surgeon. You might touch hands or not. He had an intern with him that he didn’t introduce. I might have touched her hand. Or not. I don’t mind being part of a training program and she is cute. Doc pokes around me, occasionally saying something really really anatomical and medical and the student writes it down on her pad of paper. Sometimes she would look at me before averting her eyes. That’s why you need folks like Star.

After the exam I asked Star if he had a business card because I might not remember his name. He said Dr Jone’s card are at the desk. I said “No, your card”. He said “I’m not important enough to have cards.” I said “yes you are”.

That was yesterday. I need an ultrasound guided needle biopsy before the Doc can pick any of the tests and treatments that Star described as possible – the Doc added a test that Star didn’t prepare me for. Or maybe he did and it was a different name for the same procedure.

Thanks to my choice of insurance (PacificSource) and St Lukes “interesting” way of scheduling needle biopsies (4/1/13 for me), I wont know anything until next Monday or Tuesday or. ..

A weekend pa

Posted in Cancer.

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By Cecil – March 27, 2013

Slot Cars

I’m feeling like a bit of oral history emoting is the thing to do. It happens. This happened long, long ago.

My father had remarried and the new family unit had moved to a new house. I was removed from my peer group buddies and plopped into nowhere land. I did not adjust well to the new settings which involved some heavy doses of forced Evangelical fellowship . But, a few months before that fan and it’s rotating blades of good intentions got to me, I was a winner. A Champion.

My [soon to be old] friends and I were Slot Cars racers and builders. There were the craptastic sections of plastic and metal rails that could be assembled into a race course at home on a 4 X 8 sheet of plywood and there were “real” race tracks at hobby stored. It cost money to race on those circuits. A lot of money if your 12 years old, paying as you go. Like all racers, We modified our rides and I had taken the path of rewinding the electric 3 pole DC motors. Forty wraps per pole of 28 gauge or 30 wraps of 22. Which was better? Like a Telsa without a NYT reporter, the cars accelerated like a banshee and would stop on a dime without inertia. And you had to control the creation by varying the juice applied to your slot rails on the track with a rheostat controller. I didn’t know all the fancy words back then but I was learning.

I entered a competition at my main hobby store (nearest race track – the only race track?). I did well and made it to the finals to be held on a Saturday. And then the phone call. It’s always a phone call. Wednesday, if memory serves. The final race has been moved up to ‘tomorrow’. I panicked. Dad arranged his work schedule to drop me off at the hobby shop at lunch time and pick me up after work. I was still in panic mode. Dad could do a lot of things but he couldn’t make me an expert slot car drivers two day ahead of schedule. I wanted advice. Dad said to Pray. I did. “Oh Jesus help me” It did not make me more confident of myself, Jesus or Dad but I did pray a lot.

Due to Dads work schedule on race day I got there a half hour sooner than the others. More time for prayers because they would let me test the track without the others. My competitors arrived, winners of other semi finals. Yikes! They were big guys, men, 18 or 19 or even older and their contempt at racing a 12 yr old was obvious.

That was my first time in “The Zone”. Every thing thats needs doing at exactly the perfect moment happens in the “The Zone”. I won the race and got the trophy. A fine trophy, a third my size. All the big guys rode off in their real cars and I was standing on the side walk in front of the hobby store with my trophy waiting for my dad to get off work in a few hours. A lot of time to think that maybe Jesus and the Zone aren’t connected. Or maybe they are. It was also first time I did something I was proud of and no one told me about “The Zone”.

Everything is perfect in the Zone until it wears off.

Posted in Misc.

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By Cecil – February 13, 2013

Declutter. Part 1 of many

Ever since Mom died back in November, 2012 and my brother Larry pretty much had to clean up the estate I’ve been thinking my survivors shouldn’t have to work so hard. I can get rid of my crap myself and if I sell it, I’ll get the use of cash.

Selling the 200 albums in the vinyl collection was pretty easy. Finding a serious collector instead of a flipper is the main effort. A month later, I don’t miss them. I’m working with a reseller on EBay to sell my old computer mags and memorabilia. I have some dollars early. That’s a slower process with lots of friction but If I can eke out a few hundred dollars that’s more than my survivors will get sending it to the landfill since they won’t appreciate them as keepsakes or collectibles. When was the last time I looked at my 1977 DDJ Volume 2 Issue 1? When I scanned the Cover a few days ago. I’ve got a lot of that kind of stuff.

Near abouts the same time, the freezer unit in the garage fridge died. I saved a few things and some of it wasn’t worth saving even though it was OK. More unused stuff, this time worthless. But it was food and that’s waste.

I’ve not mentioned my dislike of the fridge in the kitchen. Side by Side and half the freezer side is filled with ice maker and grinder. None of which I care about. The other freezer section is not capable of holding anything serious like 2 pork butts or a packer brisket. I need a proper freezer. Spend more to save more.

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By Cecil – February 4, 2013

Bumps Downhill. We’re all traders in the potholes.

Once again it’s time to review the portfolios. I do that more times than I write about here. I didn’t sell stocks in my taxable accounts before the “Fiscal Cliff”. The cliff was always a series gawd-awful pot holes in the road. You might die (financially) from the cliff jump, Thelma and Loise style or you might beat yourself to death on the slow road of pot holes to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and die from drowning in an inch of puddle. The wall of worry could be anything.

The hardest part of investing (or success in damn near anything) is putting the zero-sum game mental demon we all have into it’s proper place. Some things are win-win for all involved but we measure them with a binary win-lose microscope. Say I sell my HD after a 300% gain and then it goes on to double again. Who wins me, or they guy who bought my shares? Am I the biggest loser? I can’t know. Think about it. I can’t know what he sells his (used to mine HD shares for). I can’t know. I can guess and speculate but I’ll never know.

Too many people want to know they’ve beaten their opponent and all their children are above average and the certainty of a government issued savings account return. If it’s a zero sum game, those folks will be the losers.

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By Cecil – January 14, 2013

Preferred’s Zombie Limbo Zone

Today, my “preferred” shared, GEG and GEJ showed up with no price quote at Yahoo. With a little bit of poking around they are now called GEG-CL and GEJ-CL at GEG/CL, GEJ/CL at Scottrade. So the CL must mean something. That something is ‘Called’

You have to poked even farther to learn this was announced some months ago, although I was never informed back then. Oh well. I get my $25/shr back plus accrued interest towards the next dividend date (0.32 and 0.48) if you believe the price quote and I do. But that won’t happen until Jan 18, 2013 and that means I can’t trade them nor do I have their cash to buy something else. Not really a problem for me but It’s good the see how this happens in real life. I suspect USB will call my 8% notes as soon as they can too. Their share price has dropped to par + interest payment.

What does matter, or might matter is how ETF’s (like PFF) deal with called notes/shares. I know what they do with preferred shares that are suspended – they are listed as ***non-performing assets (thanks RBS) and the ETF price drops by their weighting amount in the index, more or less. The real question is what does that underlying index do when the shares are called? I’m guessing they do something like the bond ETF’s do when one of the bonds matures. They change the index holdings and ETF has to buy/sell to match it.

I saw this with the IEF U.S. Treasury Bond ETF where they replaced mature bonds with lower yielding newer bonds which over time, reduces the yield of the portfolio. It’s now about half the yield of what I was getting when I owned IEF a few years ago. I saw that happening and sold it with a cap gain. If I’d held to todays prices the cap gain would be larger. Larger enough? Not in my opinion. I don’t trade fixed income. I buy and hold until I shouldn’t.

That’s going to happen with preferred shares/notes and the ETF’s that hold them. It’s not a fast moving event because of their structure and holdings, but it will happen. Time to look for the exit and think about a replacement.

Posted in Investing.

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By Cecil – January 2, 2013